Learning to Trust
by Sirius-is-serious
Summary: Sirius is cleared during the summer before Harry's fourth year, but Dumbledore is adamant that the boy stay with his blood relatives. As the school year progresses, Harry's inner demons are revealed and it is up to his godfather and Remus to help him learn to trust again. *Warnings: Self-harm, rape, abuse, suicidal thoughts, explicit scenes, slash*
1. Chapter 1

**Learning to Trust**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to JK Rowling.**

 _A/N: Ok, this fic is very dark, it contains explicit sexual scenes, scenes of rape, thought of suicide and self-harm so if you are not ok with that then it is my advice for you to not read any further. This fic is also an AU in which Voldemort is dead and will not be returning._

 **Chapter 1: Sirius is free**

Sirius Black looked a mess, his skin was filthy from living rough, his hair was matted and his prison uniform was ripped and torn to rags. But the smile on the man's face was enough to distract anyone from his unsightly appearance, Sirius was grinning like he'd just won the lottery and for good reason too. This was his first day outside of hiding. He'd been on the run for a couple of weeks, desperately hunting for the evil little rat who ruined his life and two days ago he'd finally caught him. It had been a long and exhausting process but Sirius was finally a free man and that meant that he could at last get his life together.

'So then Albus' he said with a grin 'what now? When can I take Harry home with me?' Sirius' grin didn't falter, even when Dumbledore sighed and leant back in his chair with an expression of pity on his face.

'Unfortunately Sirius there is still a rather active Death-Eater rebellion, even after Voldemort's death. Harry needs the blood magic of his relatives to stay safe.' The older man paused to allow Sirius to take in the news, he watched as the younger man's eyes went wide and a look of dismay contorted his features.

'That's ridiculous!' He snapped 'Remus and I can protected Harry more than any blood magic can! He needs us! We're his family.' Remus crossed the room and placed a hand on his friends shoulder, looking at Dumbledore with an expression that suggested he thought the same.

'Calm down Sirius' the werewolf advised gently 'getting angry isn't going to do anything.' He turned to the headmaster then, a look of confusion marring his scarred features as he spoke 'I do agree with Sirius though Albus, we should be able to take Harry home with us. He's Sirius' godson, he has every right to raise him.'

Sirius jumped up at this, placing his hands on the desk and staring at the headmaster imploringly 'Yeah, Lily and James wanted me to raise Harry! They would never have wanted him to live with those despicable muggles.' There was a red flush of anger illuminating Sirius' gaunt face and his thin frame was practically shaking thinly veiled frustration. His grey eyes that had just a moment ago appeared so dead were now glistening with a spark of feeling and just for a moment Albus considered changing his mind and allowing Sirius to take the boy. But the fleeting thought left as quickly as it had arrived.

Albus sighed again 'I'm afraid it just isn't possible Sirius, Harry may visit you if his family allow, but until I have a real reason to remove Harry from their care then that's where he has to stay.' He paused for a moment, offering a tentative smile 'though you will still accept the position of Defense against the Dark Arts professor I hope, then you will see Harry even more than the muggles, all through his school year.'

Sirius growled, shaking his head in anger 'Yes, as his professor! My own godson will call me Professor Black instead of Sirius!' he threw Dumbledore another furious glance and then began storming for the door with Remus hot on his heels 'this is crap Albus and you know it!' He snarled and then he was gone.

-XXX-

Back at Black Manor, Sirius fell down onto one of the dated sofas, dropped his head into his hands and groaned in frustration. 'That man has a lot of nerve telling me what my godson needs' Sirius complained to Remus, who was learning up against the doorframe eyeing his friend sadly. 'We're the closest thing to family that Harry has! Those stupid muggles don't know the first thing about him!' He was on his feet now, hands balled into fists as he raged.

Remus crossed the room and ran a comforting hand down the man's arm, slowly leading him towards the sofa and pulling him back so that his back was resting against Remus' chest. 'I know it's unfair Siri, but we'll figure it out, we always do. There's no point getting all worked up about it just yet.' His voice was soothing and calm and Sirius knew that Remus was right, Remus was always right.

The werewolf slowly slid a hand over Sirius' chest, rubbing gently before moving it down to place it on his thigh just beside his crotch. Sirius stilled and turned to look up into Remus' eyes. 'Really?' He asked gently 'even now? Even after everything?'

Remus chuckled and stroked Sirius' thigh slowly, knowing that it would drive the man insane 'yes of course' he murmured 'my feelings for you haven't changed Sirius.' Both men knew that they should probably talk about it, discuss how they felt, but somehow they didn't need to, it just felt right and that was good enough.

'I'm all filthy Remy' Sirius whispered, moving so that he was leaning over Remus now, their lips just inches apart.

Remus whined just a little beneath him 'make me filthy too?' And that was all it took. Sirius moved Remus so the he was sprawled out on the sofa before climbing over him. He captured Remus' lips with his own and both men moaned as they explored each other's mouths. Remus bucked his hips up, desperate for contact and Sirius chuckled.

'So needy as always Remy.' He pressed his hand down against the bulge in Remus' faded brown trousers and the werewolf gasped and squirmed beneath him. 'Like that hmm?' Sirius asked teasingly and Remus nodded, unable to speak. He bucked his hips again and Sirius pulled away, much to his lover's disappointment. He slid out of his gritty old prison uniform, revealing the thin, naked body beneath. Remus groaned at the sight of Sirius' tattoos, stark against the sun-starved skin and he felt a fresh rush of heat surge to his groin when his eyes fell upon Sirius' large, half hard member, covered in thick dark hair from his time without shaving. 'Like what you see?' Sirius asked with a smirk and Remus nodded once more, biting his lip and moaning in the sexiest way possible. Sirius moved back to his friend, slowly unzipping his trousers and sliding them off of his scarred body with practiced ease. The plain white boxers underneath were straining against Remus' heavy erection. He slowly unbuttoned Remus' shirt, sliding that off of his body as well and leaving the man bare beneath him aside from his pants.

'Sirius, please' Remus whined, reaching up to run a hand over Sirius' chest. Sirius chuckled and leant down to press a kiss to Remus' penis through his boxers. Remus moaned and shifted his hips, begging for more but Sirius pulled away, he slid a hand between his friends legs and parted them gently, resting his hips so that their members were touching through the thin fabric of Remus' boxers and then grinding down hard against him. Remus moaned loudly, tossing his head back as Sirius humped down frantically against him. With one quick movement he yanked Remus' boxers away and his raging erection sprung free, slapping against his stomach with a lewd noise. Sirius crawled back until his face was between Remus' thighs, he pulled the man's legs onto his shoulders and started to ravenously lick the tiny puckered hole before him. Remus whined at the sensation and reached down to slowly fist his dick in his hands.

Slowly Sirius slid a finger inside, moaning at the feel of Remus' tight walls around him. 'You're so tight Remy' he whispered, placing a kiss on the man's lips. He slid another finger inside and then a third, stretching his friend until he was sure that he was ready for Sirius' cock. 'Ready?' He asked gently and Remus nodded eagerly. Spitting on his hand, Sirius quickly lubed himself up. He positioned himself at Remus' entrance and then pushed in slowly, allowing Remus only a fraction of a second to adjust to the stretch before he started to fuck him hard. Remus whined and moaned, stroking his hands over Sirius' body as the man moved inside him. It didn't take long for Remus to cum, the combined efforts of Sirius in his arse and his own hand working swiftly on his dick was enough to send him over the edge in no time. Sirius grunted at the feeling of Remus clenching around him, he snapped his hips twice more before coming undone and emptying himself inside the werewolf. In all honesty it had been so long since either man had had sex that both were surprised that they had lasted so long.

Remus looked up at Sirius with a sleepy smile 'come on, we should go wash up before this dries' he stood up and led Sirius from the room, a broad grin on his face now that he finally had his lover back.

-XXX-

Harry sobbed at the pain in his wrist, he was sure that it was broken. His glasses had smashed into his face with his uncle's final punch and they'd made a terrible mess. His eyes were blurry and he couldn't see but he could feel and smell the blood trickling down his face, could taste it on his lips. It hadn't taken much to get Vernon angry this time, Dudley had dropped a plate, one of the nice ones, and Harry had taken a beating for it. Heaven forbid Vernon show any annoyance towards his beloved son.

The man stood in the corner of Harry's bedroom, hurriedly undressing and barking at his nephew to strip. Harry did as he was told but it hurt, a lot, with each movement his body ached in protest and fresh tears filled his eyes. Vernon finally grew impatient, he grabbed Harry by his hair and tossed him onto the bed like he was a doll. He tore Harry's briefs from his body, leaving the boy naked and exposed. Harry hated this, he could take the beatings but it was this part that really left a mark. Vernon grabbed Harry's legs and roughly yanked them apart, he moved between them and began to push inside, without warning or lubrication. It hurt and Harry felt every second of it. Tears began to roll down his cheeks and he sobbed sadly at the pain of having something so large forced inside him. Vernon grabbed his face, squeezing his cheeks in his meaty hands and shaking Harry's head from side to side 'shut up your complaining boy' he snarled, pumping his hips harder and groaning loudly as he neared his release. Harry prepared himself for what happened next. Vernon gave a loud moan and stilled his movements as he came inside the boy. He pulled out harshly, leaving Harry gaping and messy and sobbing from the pain.

'You keep this to yourself when you go back to that freak school of yours, boy' Vernon snarled as he straightened his clothes 'they'd kick you out if they knew how much you love this.' And with that he left the room, leaving his nephew to deal with the pain and tears all alone. Harry rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball, desperately trying to ignore the feeling of the slick cold cum siding down his legs and wishing that he was back at Hogwarts already.


	2. Chapter 2

**Learning to Trust**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to JK Rowling.**

 _A/N: Contains self-harm_

 **Chapter 2: The Knife**

Ron gasped when he saw his best friend at the entrance to their carriage on the Hogwarts express, his face was a mess of bruises and cuts and he looked exhausted. Hermione covered her mouth in shock and jumped up to help Harry with his trunk. 'What happened Harry?' She asked gently, sliding her hand over his arm comfortingly only for him to jerk away. It wasn't the first time Harry had arrived at school with bruises from skin chores and he was never one for physical contact, but this was excessive even for him.

'I was hit by a car' he lied easily 'idiot wasn't looking where they were going and knocked me over. I'm alright!' He added quickly at their horrified expressions 'just a bit bruised.'

'A bit bruised!' Ron exclaimed 'you look live you've been hit by a train never mind a car!' Harry managed a small reassuring grin but said nothing else on the subject. He couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts, his godfather would be teaching this year, along with Remus and he'd get to be with his friends again. He had no reason to be sad. Besides, uncle Vernon's warning was still ringing in his head- tell anyone what happened and there'd be much worse waiting for him when he came home- yeah, it was best for Harry to just move on and enjoy his time at school whilst he could. There was nothing that Ron or Hermione could do anyway, it wasn't as if this was anything new.

-XXX-

Sirius and Remus were introduced at the Welcome Feast, Sirius as the new DADA professor and Remus teaching History of Magic. The students seemed a little awestruck to have Sirius Black in their school, but nobody looked angry so Harry supposed that that it would all be ok. He could see both men watching him with concerned looks and other students were starting to stare too, it made Harry anxious, the last thing he needed was for everyone to know what a disgusting person he was, what he allowed his uncle to do to him. In the end he slipped out of the hall early and headed back to his common room, assuring his friends that he was just feeling tired and wanted to be fresh for classes tomorrow. They seemed to believe it, too concerned with the feast to worry too much about Harry. He was used to that by now though, not being important enough and in situations like this it was an advantage.

Once he was back in his dorm room, Harry immediately rifled through his trunk until he found what he had been looking for, it wasn't perfect, not a smooth clean razor like everyone else seemed to use, no it was just an old knife, Aunt Petunia's old carving knife to be exact. He'd stolen it in his first year to give him the release he needed when his head was too sore to bang against the walls anymore and his nails were too short from biting to scratch effectively. He placed it against his wrist, pressing hard and slicing in one quick motion. The knife was blunt but it did the trick, splitting his skin just enough for a thin trail of crimson red to run over his pale skin. He sighed and leant back against the bed, stashing the knife and wrapping his wrist in toilet paper from the lavatory. His mind felt clear, empty for once as the blood drained, taking with it the memory of his uncle's abuse and the sickening feelings that ran through his body. He felt clean.

-XXX-

Potions with Professor Snape would never be fun, no matter what they studied or what it was in comparison with. The man hated Harry and that meant that every lesson was about as enjoyable as having your eyes eaten out by crows. Today was no different, Snape was his usual snarky self, shouting at Neville when he used the wrong plant and calling Hermione an insufferable know it all. When he reached Harry the boy prepared himself for the usual onslaught of abuse and Snape didn't disappoint. 'Oh dear Potter' he drawled 'your potion is about as functioning as your face at this moment in time.' There were snickers from the Slytherin's, which of course went unnoticed. 'Go on then.' The man continued to speak 'impress me Potter, what comes next?' Harry's eyes shifted to the recipe nervously but he couldn't remember which steps he'd already taken. In the end he grabbed two asphodel leaves and moved to drop them into the cauldron when Snape's hand lurched forwards and grasped Harry's wrist, squeezing over his most recent cut and allowing his sleeve to slide down just enough to show a couple of the scars on his arm. 'Are you really that stupid Potter?' Snape practically spat 'if you add anymore asphodel then this entire classroom will be in flames. Really, do you have no common...' he paused, his eyes moving from Harry's arm up to his eyes for a brief moment 'sense?' He finished at last, his tone much softer this time. He dropped Harry's arms and swept away, barking orders for the class to finish up. Harry disposed of his wasted ingredients and bottled his unfinished potion, placing it on Snape's desk with the others.

The class began to file out of the room and Harry started to leave with them until Snape called him back. 'Go on' Harry told his friends with a sigh 'I didn't finish, I probably have detention or something, no point waiting around.' Ron and Hermione nodded sympathetically before chasing after Neville and leaving Harry alone in the classroom with Snape. He was fully prepared for the man to insult him whilst grading his papers, but to Harry's surprise he rose from his desk and shut the door, moving so that he was stood just in front of it, looking at Harry with deep, penetrating eyes.

'Harry' he began and Harry nearly feinted, Snape had never called him by his first name 'would you like to explain to me why you have scars on your wrist?' His voice was low and quiet but it held a strangely comforting note that wasn't typical for Snape. Harry couldn't speak, he didn't know what to say. 'I think we both know why they're there Mr. Potter, now I think it's best if you fetch for me whatever it is that you've been using and we'll proceed from there.' Harry's eyes were fixed on the ground, he couldn't look up at his Professor.

'Please sir' he finally mumbled 'you can't tell anyone, they can't know.' He glanced up to find that Snape was watching him intently with, was that concern on his face? Yes. It was.

Snape sighed 'I have to tell the headmaster and Professor McGonagall, as I'm sure you're aware.' Harry sniffled, he could feel tears coming on and he fought desperately not to let them fall in front of his teacher. 'I assure you that no one non-essential need know about this, alright? But this really is a matter that I cannot allow to go unnoticed.' Harry nodded his head sadly and Snape sighed 'please go and fetch your...items for me, Mr. Potter.' Harry nodded once more and left the room, hurrying back to his dorm room to find his knife and reluctantly bringing it back for Snape to confiscate.

-XXX-

The common room was busy but luckily Ron wasn't back yet so he could sneak his knife out of the dormitory without being seen.

'Is this everything?' Snape asked when Harry handed him the knife. Harry nodded, averting his eyes and fidgeting nervously. He wanted to speak, but what if Snape got angry? In the end he went for it anyway.

'Sorry sir, but I don't really see the big deal. I'm not hurting anyone, why does any of this matter?' Snape sighed and gestured for Harry to take a seat at one of the desks. Harry slumped down into the seat and Snape crouched in front of him, moving to look directly into Harry's eyes.

'You are hurting someone, Harry.' He said gently 'you're hurting yourself and you're hurting your friends in the process, how do you think they'd feel if they knew you were doing this?' Harry didn't need Snape to elaborate, he knew that his friends would be sad if they knew he was hurting himself, but he couldn't help it, it was the only thing that took away the pain in his chest so that he could breathe. Snape rose up again and placed the knife on his desk. 'You can go now, Harry.' He instructed 'I'll speak with professor Dumbledore and McGonagall and see what is to happen next.'

Harry froze there for a second, unsure what to do, before turning on his heel and running from the room.

-XXX-

Harry was panicking, Snape knew about his scars and it was only a matter of time before everyone else knew as well. He didn't want to talk to Professor McGonagall or Dumbledore about any of this, he wanted to keep his secrets and stay hidden until after Hogwarts, then he could leave the Dursley's and wouldn't have to worry about them hurting him if anyone found out.

He made his way slowly back to the Gryffindor common room, passing through the other students and heading up the stairs to his dormitory. Ron was already up there, flicking through a Chudley Cannons magazine and snacking on every-flavor beans. His face scrunched up as he swallowed a particularity nasty one and he dropped the magazine onto the floor. 'Alright Harry?' He asked when he saw his friend standing in the doorway 'what did Snape want?'

Harry averted his eyes and yanked off his shirt to get ready for bed 'oh, just to tell me to pay more attention, the usual.' He was a bad liar but luckily Ron was fairly gullible and seemed to have accepted the lie.

'Wanker' he complained 'wow! Harry! Is that from the car?' Harry winced as he remembered the bruises littering his torso.

'Er, yeah, hit me pretty hard.' He really did need to get better at lying. Ron shook his head and dropped back down onto his bed.

'Muggles can be so stupid sometimes' he grumbled 'you should probably go see Pomphrey you know, I reckon she could fix them up no problem' it was a tempting offer for sure, but what if she ran diagnostic spells? What if she found out his secret? He couldn't risk it. He mumbled something to Ron about them looking worse than they were and Ron shrugged 'suit yourself mate.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Learning to Trust**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to JK Rowling.**

 _A/N: Contains self-harm_

 **Chapter 3: The Meeting**

Harry could feel his legs shaking beneath him as he made his way to Dumbledore's office. McGonagall had given him instructions on where and when to go in their last transfiguration lesson and at the time the prospect of telling a few white lies to his professors wasn't all that daunting. But now that he found himself actually walking to the office he could feel the trepidation tying knots in his stomach. What if Dumbledore knew that he was lying? What if they demanded to know what was going on at home? He couldn't let them know! Not if he didn't want a far worse beating when he next went home.

Dumbledore was waiting at his desk when Harry entered the room. Professor Snape and McGonagall were sitting in chairs opposite the headmaster. All three looked up when they heard the door open. They had soft expressions on their faces, even Snape, which was odd for the potions master. He hovered by the door for a moment, unsure what to do and seriously considering making a run for it but Dumbledore spoke before he got the chance. 'Do take a seat Harry' he called softly and Harry did as he was told, awkwardly moving over to the desk and dropping down into the spare chair. 'I think you know why we're here Harry' the headmaster continued gently 'professor Snape has brought it to my attention that you have been engaging in some rather harmful behaviour. Is this correct?' Harry fidgeted in his chair, unsure of what to say; in the end he merely nodded. 'I must ask Harry why you feel the need to harm yourself, is something happening at home perhaps? Or at school?' Harry remained silent once again, merely shaking his head and continuing to stare at the floor.

'You can tell us, Harry' McGonagall told him gently 'whatever's bothering you, we will do our best to assist.' In Harry's mind there was nothing that they could say to get him to talk. Dumbledore would always send him back to the Dursley's for the blood magic and that was the only thing that mattered right now. He couldn't risk telling them his secret and having things get worse at home, he didn't think he could handle much more.

'I'm just stressed' Harry murmured at last 'it gets too much sometimes, that's all.' He could feel the teachers observing him sceptically and he kept his eyes trained on the floor so as not to give away anything.

'Well if that's the case then I'm sure there's something we can do. Pomphrey must have a calming potion and I'm sure that your teachers would be more lax with your deadlines if they knew of your situation' McGonagall sounded confident, like she truly believed Harry's lie.

'Would all of my teachers have to know?' Harry asked quietly, knowing that the others would understand.

'I see no need to tell your other professors of your destructive actions' Snape drawled 'I'm sure it would be sufficient to merely explain that you are under some stress at the moment. Do you agree headmaster?' Dumbledore nodded and hummed in agreement. He was watching Harry with a calculating gleam in his eyes but said nothing. 'Very well then' Snape finished 'Professor McGonagall will escort you to the hospital wing and the headmaster will inform your other professors of your situation. As for your most recent essay I'm sure I can offer some leeway if you feel the need.' Harry nodded awkwardly and Snape gave a curt nod to the headmaster in his characteristic fashion before rising from his chair and sweeping from the room in a flurry of black robes.

Harry sat there for a moment in a silence that seemed to engulf the world in never-ending quiet. It felt like nobody would ever talk again. That is until Dumbledore broke it. 'Is there anything you wish to tell me, Harry?' The old professor asked as he leant over his desk.

Harry couldn't look the headmaster in the eye, he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his secrets if he did. Instead he merely shook his head and said 'no sir.'

Dumbledore leant back in his chair and nodded his head to McGonagall 'very well then' he said thoughtfully 'you may go.'

McGonagall stood and led Harry to the door, she was smiling at him gently the entire time and he couldn't help but feel embarrassed about everything that had come to light. There was a knot of worry tightening in his stomach at the possibility of Sirius and Remus finding out his secret. They'd hate him. They'd think he was a freak. What kind of person cuts them self? Even worse, what if they figured out why? What if they realised what Harry let Vernon do? Then they really would hate him. The professor's warm hand on his shoulder as they walked was little comfort to Harry, he had been much happier dealing with all of this himself. It was already starting to feel like too much, the potions, the teachers keeping an eye on him. He just wanted to be alone with his knife and his thoughts, he didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. He could hear his heart thudding in his chest and his throat felt tight. He tried to breathe evenly, to tell himself that it was all going to be ok but it wasn't working. The edges of his vision began to fade to black and his head was engulfed with the deafening roar of rushing blood as his chest began to tighten. He couldn't breathe, his legs felt weak and he was dizzy. Harry dropped to his knees, gasping for air and desperately trying to regain a sense of control over the situation but it was in vain, he knelt there for a few moments more before collapsing forwards into the engulfing black.

-XXX-

The hospital wing was bright when Harry awoke, he was laying on one of the beds above the blankets. Reaching out to the bedside table he slid his glasses onto his face and blinked a few times to adjust to the clinical white that seemed to surround him. It was mostly quiet, save for the occasional groan and the sound of footsteps pottering about. He didn't have much time to look around before McGonagall's voice came drifting over from nearby 'Mr Potter' she greeted 'How're you feeling?'

'Good, I suppose, what happened professor?' Harry asked quietly, pushing his glasses up his forehead to rub at his eyes briefly.

Mcgonagall frowned 'you had a panic attack, Madam Pomphrey instructed me to leave you here until you awoke. She's just gone to fetch you some potions.' As if on cue Madam Pomphrey came bustling out of the back rooms with a rather large wooden box in her arms.

'Ah, good, you're awake Mr Potter' she said, all business, as she neared his bedside, trust Pomphrey not to change her demeanour. Harry didn't know if it made him more or less anxious. She placed the box on the bed beside him and Harry sat up to see what was inside. She pushed the lid open to reveal a set of potions, each one was a pale blue colour and shimmering slightly. 'These are anti-anxiety potions' she told him 'now you see the lines on the side of each vial? That dictates the daily dose, for example today you will drink down to the first line and then tomorrow to the second line and so on and so forth. It is imperative that you don't drink more than the required amount Mr Potter, if so you must visit me immediately, understood?' Harry merely nodded, unsure of what to say or even if he could speak with how fast everything was happening. She handed him the box and then bustled away with nothing more than a quick nod to both Harry and McGonagall.

Harry arose from the bed and began to move towards the door when McGonagall stopped him with a hand on his shoulder 'Harry' she said gently, using his first name for the first time in a while 'I want you to come to me if you need anything, ok?' Harry nodded, blushing and staring at the ground as he silently prayed for this awkward encounter to be over. She patted him on the shoulder and then smiled silently, allowing him to leave the wing at last. Harry kept his head down the entire way back to the common room and stashed the box beneath his bed as soon as he arrived. He didn't need the anxiety potions, he wasn't anxious and he definitely didn't need Ron or the others to see it, that's for sure.

-XXX-

Ron and Hermione had been strangely watchful at lunch time and Harry could've sworn that he felt Remus and Sirius staring at him with concern. They obviously knew about his 'stress' and the panic attack and the hospital wing, that was the only logical explanation. It didn't matter that they weren't paying extra close attention to him when he looked up at the staff table, they obviously just looked away. He knew what he felt.

It was too much in the end, everyone talking and chattering around him, maybe everyone knew, maybe they were talking about him. He could feel his chest getting tight again and the last thing he needed was to have another panic attack in the middle of the Great Hall. Without a second thought, Harry jumped to his feet and fled the room, hurrying back to the Gryffindor common room and collapsing onto the sofa. He lay there for a moment, quietly gasping for air as he fought to control his breathing, until he heard a small knock on the door. In retrospect he should've known that Ron and Hermione would come after him. 'You alright mate?' Ron asked, stepping into the room with Hermione close behind.

Harry stood up shakily and nodded 'yeah' he said, forcing a smile 'just don't think that the chicken agreed with me.' He waved a hand at them, signalling that he'd be fine, but they didn't listen.

'I can go to the hospital wing if you think you've got food poisoning' Hermione offered 'but I don't think that the house elves would undercook something.' She looked confused and Harry knew that he needed to lie better if he was going to get the alone-time he needed.

'Don't worry about it, Hermione' he assured her 'I had this last time too, Pomphrey thinks I'm allergic to something, you know in the seasoning or something. I'll be fine.' He paused 'but you know, kinda need to run and use the bathroom, so if you don't mind…'

Ron nodded, taking the hint 'sure mate, I'll talk to you after dinner, yeah?' Harry nodded and Ron led Hermione from the room. Harry waited until he could no longer hear their footsteps before collapsing against the sofa in exhaustion.

He sat there for a while, just thinking, thinking about the panic attacks and how out of control this whole thing was getting. He thought about what Vernon did and about his knife and how good it felt to take some of that frustration out. Finally his mind drifted to Remus and Sirius, how they were going to feel when his secrets came out, because that was the thing about Hogwarts, secrets didn't last for very long. They would be revolted by him, they'd hate him. Tears pricked in his eyes at that thought, the thought of his godfather and his honorary godfather, the people he loved most, hating him. No, he wouldn't let that happen, he didn't want to be there to see the disgust in their eyes.

Harry rose to his feet and trudged slowly up the stairs, determination in his eyes, tears on his cheeks and a plan set firm in his mind.

-XXX-

The sound of Neville's scream was enough to wake most of the Gryffindors from their slumber. He flew from the room, almost falling headfirst down the stairs in his hurry to find a teacher. The other students began to gather in the common room but Hermione pushed past them, charging up the stairs to the boy's dormitory and ignoring the cries of the disgruntled prefects. Ron was crouched by Harry's limp form, his robes soaked in the pale blue potion that was littering the floor. Four of the bottles were empty, two of which were smashed. The gashes on Harry's arms from the broken glass were bleeding profusely and the blood was mingling with the potion to create a sickly brown colour. Hermione stood frozen in the doorway for just a moment, unable to move, but then her brain lurched into gear and she shot forwards to pry Ron away from their friend just as Sirius and Remus bustled into the room, dropping to their knees in the glass and the blood to pull their godson close. McGonagall ushered the teenagers out of the room and the last thing they saw was Sirius running with Harry in his arms as the other professors followed swiftly behind.

NC


	4. Chapter 4

**Learning to Trust**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, all credit goes to JK Rowling.**

 _A/N: Thank you so much for the comments, I'm glad people are enjoying this story. Please keep reviewing_

 **Chapter 4: The truth is revealed**

Remus placed his hands on Sirius' shoulders and forced him out of the room at Poppy's request, the animagus was shaking, his eyes crazed as he fought his lover to get to his godson. 'Let me go, Remus!' he shouted, forcing himself against the werewolf to no avail. He wasn't thinking, his hands punching and clawing and slapping without consideration for who he was fighting. Remus didn't reply, his hands firm on Sirius' shoulders and his face a perfectly constructed mask of calm. He looked up to survey Sirius' face and for just a moment he was lost, transported back to the day of Sirius' arrest, the same level of pain and insanity shining in those grey eyes. 'He needs me! Remus, he needs me! Let me go!'

Remus forced his lover out of the room, pushing him down into one of the grotty old chairs and crouching down in front of him. 'Sirius you need to let them help him. If we're in the way then they can't help and Harry needs Poppy more than he needs us right now.' He reached a hand up to stroke Sirius' cheek gently, wincing slightly when the other man turned away.

'Why' Sirius asked, his voice small and broken 'why would he do this Remus?' his head dropped into his hands, his dark black curls shielding him from the world. In the distance he could hear faint sounds of spells being cast and orders being given, he tried to focus on Poppy's voice, to know what was happening, but she was too far away. He kept trying to figure everything out in his head, trying to sort through the last few minutes, to understand what was going on but he was drawing blanks. Harry had tried to kill himself, his godson, the one thing he had left from James and Lily. What if he succeeded? What If there was nothing that Poppy could do? He couldn't lose someone else.

Remus pushed down hard on Sirius' shoulders when the other man fought to get up from his seat. 'Sirius' he paused, what could he say? How could he possibly comfort his friend when he was just as confused and hurt himself? 'I don't know why he did it, Sirius' the werewolf said gently 'but we'll figure it out and we'll help him. Right now we need to let Poppy do her job, that's the best thing for Harry right now.' Sirius didn't reply, he knew deep down that Remus was right. They sat there for a moment, unable to find comfort in each other for the first time in a while.

Remus flinched when Severus tapped him on the shoulder, the potions master was the last person he expected to see standing over him, but Snape's eyes were surprisingly soft, his face unreadable. 'Professor Dumbledore is waiting outside, he'd like to speak to both of you.'

Sirius scoffed in annoyance 'you have got to be kidding me! Tell him to get stuffed, my godson needs me.' His words were muffled by the hands covering his face but Snape heard him clearly enough.

'I do believe that you'll want to hear what the headmaster has to say' Severus replied. Remus and Sirius looked up at the other man curiously and Sirius' eyes went hard. He jumped to his feet so fast that Remus didn't have time to stop him. His wand was out, pressed against Snape's throat, and his words were voiced in a low dangerous growl.

'What do you know about my godson, Snivellus?' Remus was on his feet in an instance, his hand on Sirius' shoulder trying to pull him away from the conflict but Sirius wasn't so easily deterred.

'Put your wand away Black' Snape hissed, but his voice lacked its usual venom. He looked around at the students flooding the hospital wing, all of them fighting to get past the prefects and into the area that Harry was being treated in. 'Unless you want to have this conversation in front of half of the student body then I suggest you come with me.'

Sirius snarled, his wand pressing harder against Severus' neck 'we can have this conversation in front of the whole damn school! _I_ don't have anything to hide!'

Remus yanked Sirius back, his free hand coming up to swipe the animagus' wand away. 'Stop it Sirius' he said firmly 'we're not doing this in front of Harry's friends.' Sirius turned to his lover, anger in his eyes and his face contorted with fury, he went to speak but Remus cut him off before he could. 'You can be angry Sirius and you can shout as much as you want but look at them-' he paused to gesture to Rom and Hermione, who were struggling against the prefects at the front of the crowd. They looked so young, so pale and scared and Sirius' face softened. 'Don't make this harder on them. I know it's hard but damn it Sirius you're an adult now and you need to act like one for once.' Remus' voice had taken on a harsh tone and he shoved Sirius towards the door. The other man complied reluctantly, fixing Severus with a hard glare as he went. They slipped from the room without drawing much attention and Snape led them down the hallway to a small room in which Dumbledore and McGonagall were sitting around a table, waiting expectantly.

Remus dropped into a chair opposite the other professors with Severus at his side, but Sirius remained standing, his back to the door and his arms folded across his chest as he waited for someone to speak. 'Sirius' Dumbledore began with a sigh 'time is of the essence here so I will be brief. A few days ago Severus noticed that Harry had several self-inflicted wounds on his arm-'

Sirius cut the older man off, striding forwards angrily 'a few days ago?!' he roared 'you knew that my godson was hurting himself for days and you never thought to tell me?!'

Dumbledore sighed once more, sounding weary 'we fully intended to inform you that Harry was having some problems-'

'Problems?!' Sirius' voice was louder now, he was towering over the ancient headmaster, his still somewhat thin frame appearing seemingly impressive, as if the anger was inflating him 'my godson tried to kill himself! That's more than problems!'

'Sirius we only met with Harry earlier today and he asked us not to share his self-harm with the other professors.' Mcgonagall said gently.

Sirius laughed harshly, he pushed away from the table and turned to face the door, running his hands over his face. Remus shook his head, dropping his hands onto the table with a thud 'we're not his professors Minerva' he snapped harshly 'Sirius is his godfather and I'm…' he trailed off.

'Remus is his godfather too.' Sirius told them sternly 'and we should've been told the minute that you knew something was wrong.' He was shaking his head, his black curls bouncing around wildly 'Why?' he snapped after a moments pause 'why did he do this?'

Dumbledore sighed once more and Sirius swore to himself silently that if the old bastard had the nerve to sigh one more time then he would whip out his wand and do away with the coot. 'He claimed to be under stress, of course we suspected that there was more to the story but we didn't want to pry.'

Sirius growled, his inner dog breaking through and Remus half expected the man to shift into his canine form and attack the other teachers. 'You didn't feel the need to pry?' he asked bitterly 'well great job! Yeah now Harry's laid out in the hospital wing bleeding to death! So thanks so much for respecting his _fucking_ privacy!'

Remus jumped to his feet, pushing Sirius away from the table out of fear that he might hit someone 'come on Siri' he told the man calmly 'what's done is done, we need to focus on Harry now.'

'Don't _Siri_ me Remus' Sirius snarled 'my godson could die any minute because they didn't think it was their problem!'

'Of course we thought it was our problem!' Severus snapped, speaking for the first time since they'd entered the room 'but what do you think would've happened if we'd told Harry that we had to tell everyone his secret? What do you think he would've done if we'd grilled him for the truth?' he rose to his feet, looming over the two men ' _maybe_ we should have told you sooner, but there's nothing we can do about it now.'

They lapsed into silence, Sirius and Severus staring each other down, Remus standing between them. Dumbledore and McGonagall sat silently at the table, observing the three men with sad eyes. That was how Madam Pomphrey found them, she bustled into the room, her eyes going wide when she saw them and her lips twisted into a frown. 'Oh for the love of god! Sit down, all of you!' she snapped 'now is not the time for you to be fighting!'

Severus and Remus obliged, sitting down at the table, but Sirius remained on his feet 'Poppy' his voice was hoarse, like he was fighting to hold emotion back 'please tell me he's ok.'

She didn't speak for a moment but then her face softened and she led Sirius to a chair, pushing him into it gently, Sirius dropped his head into his hands, sure that he was about to receive bad news. Remus reached over and placed his hand on Sirius' knee gently, his eyes were averted, too afraid to look at any on in the room for fear that his mask would crack. 'He's alive' Poppy told them softly and all eyes snapped to her 'physically his body will take time to heal and of course I can't speak for his mental state, but he'll live.' she paused for just a second, allowing them to process the information. Sirius felt like he could cry with relief. 'However' Poppy spoke after a moment and Sirius felt his stomach clench 'there are some details that I believe you should know.' Sirius looked over at Dumbledore when she said this but said nothing. 'Whilst identifying Harry's injuries, I noticed that there are severe abrasions, tearing and scarring in his rectum.' The silence in the room was heavy, it seemed to engulf everything, like nobody would ever speak again.

'Poppy' Sirius' voice was quiet and shaky 'please, for the love of god, tell me that that doesn't mean what I think it means.' He met her eyes, pleading silently with her not to tell him what he already knew.

'I'm so sorry Sirius' she told him, her voice soft and sympathetic 'but the only thing that I can think of that would cause such injuries is if Harry were-' she paused 'is if he were raped.'

The next ten minutes saw Poppy hurriedly healing the shattered bones in Sirius' hand whilst Dumbledore fixed the crumbled hole in the wall.


End file.
